Q & A: how Phil got those gongs

Q. As a combat veteran who has seen terrible things in battle, lost several limbs and won a couple of medals for my troubles, I couldn't help but notice Prince Phillip's impressive batch of gongs. Could you tell me what brave deeds he performed to win so much metalwork?

A. Please see the diagram above.

Harrods loses royal warrant

Harrods, the world's most famous department store, has lost the royal warrant which it held from the Duke of Edinburgh. It still retains warrants from the Queen, the Prince of Wales and the Queen Mother.

The Duke of Edinburgh's warrant is reviewed every five years and the decision to withdraw it from Harrods was taken in Jan 2000.

Harrods is owned by Mohamed Al Fayed, who recently won a libel action against Ex Tory MP Neil Hamilton.

Mr AL Fayed will give away filthy great bundles of cash for asking a few simple questions

During the libel trial, Mr Al Fayed stated that he believed his son Dodi Al Fayed and his bit of skirt, Princess Diana had been murdered by UK security forces at the request of The Duke of Edinburgh. He also accused Prince Phillip of being a Nazi sympathizer, an allegation that seemed to surprise fewer observers.

Throneout concedes that Mr Al Fayed is a bit of a dodgy bloke, but supports his crusade against the Royal Family. Mr Al Fayed has always declared himself to be a British patriot and Throneout would be happy to see some of his cash sloshing around in it's coffers (to further the cause, naturally). If the guy really wants to hand over large brown envelopes stuffed full of cash, we'd be only to happy to ask questions on his behalf.